The Schizoaffective Disorder
I was initially diagnosed to be suffering from schizophrenia after my national service. I told the doctor that I hear my own thoughts. After being on antipsychotics for some time, I begun hearing different voices. Some were voices of my friends. Some were people that I do not like. And some were unknown. It was later that the diagnosis changed to schizoaffective disorder which is schizophrenia with bipolar depression. I at most times, find it difficult to hold a job which resulted to significant decline in my finances. In the sense that I go broke all the time.
The hallucinations, delusions and embodiments. Things that are unreal. It can occur on all five senses. Sometimes even on the sixth sense as well. The normal cognitive processes are diminished by one's fantasies and nightmares. It is living hell. The suffering begins when one is awake and ends when one falls asleep. The antipsychotic medication helps to reduce the symptoms. But I sometimes wonder if the lack of dopamine is the cause of my poor motivation. It's been more than 2 decades now. Whether it is a misdiagnosis or not, I do not know. The voices are now much more respectful.
How can I bring another soul into this world just to suffer like me? I dunno know. It seems that hell is oblivious to most people. Are we all murderers sentenced to this universe to be punished for one lifetime? The existential angst. The torment. I'm drifting further away from God. But how bad is bad? As a sufferer of the condition, the antipsychotics do work. Though it's a bit difficult to accept that this is a lifelong illness, it can be well managed by sticking to the meds. I feel normal most of the time. No voices at all. Just an empty static silence.
But stopping the meds is something not recommended. For me, the withdrawal will cause insomnia which can result in extreme mental fatigue. It happened once and it was several days of being awake with less than an hour of deep sleep each day. I'm learning to articulate how I feel about this disability here. Most people will think that sufferers like me are physically enabled and therefore fortunate. But the mind controls the body. I've cracked many a time before. Towards better mental health and well being.
It is all about the support network. My Doctor at IMH who is very much concerned about my well being. My loving Sister who is always supporting my crazy ideas. And my kind and understanding Boss who rehired me the third time. I think it is about acceptance. Living with this condition is easy. But when I go to extremes like quitting my job when I am not too stable, it can affect my finances badly. And starting all over again with a new job is challenging. Over time, I learned more about my behaviour. So grateful for the safety net that catches me every time I fall.
Looking back, I realised that I should not have been too radical by throwing the resignation letter whenever the situation is working against my favour. Maybe in short, I might be overthinking. Thus, the soft approach of walking away instead of confronting the situational dynamics. Maybe it became too stressful as I was out of my comfort zone. I could have just requested for a time out or take some sabbatical leave. If there is something that I am unhappy about, I could have talked it out amongst the team members. Nobody is perfect. Silence is a killer. It is all about effective communication.
I also realised most of my hospitalisations at IMH occurred when I stopped working. Many a time, they were due to suicidal tendencies or attempts. I was feeling sad and vulnerable. So mental health is very much about emotional wellbeing. And financial stability plays an important role in that. Being broke and having to rely on physical labour for daily cash pay is no fun at all. But the experience is an eye opener. I am single so I am fine being in such situations. And I have come across individuals in similar circumstances and they have babies or children to feed. And their will to survive is inspiring.
My father was a destitute. And the fact that we grew up in orphanages, reflects very much on how irresponsible our parents are. He also planted more seeds by remarrying. It is in my conviction that I will never be like him. Yes, I am born poor. And for that, it has been a ride in hell. Yes, sometimes in heaven too. And yes, the urge to plant my seeds has been getting stronger. I dunno. Would I get married and settle down to have children? Quite unlikely. Maybe I will marry my soulmate if I do find her. But it will be for companionship. But without my parents, I will not be here.
Insights on the illness itself are valuable. I think the hallucinations are a form of sensory overload. They are like unwanted noises. During the initial stages of schizophrenia, the agitation caused by the auditory hallucinations can invoke anger that could cause one to be violent or have extreme thought processes as an counter effect. One would want the voices to stop talking. Some might verbally talk back to the voices inside their head. Discipline and restraint do not go far. One would ultimately crack when the threshold limit is reached.
Yes, the antipsychotics works. It suppresses the symptoms of hallucinations. An important point to note is that it helps the patient to adapt over time. Management of the symptoms is a learnt behavior. Yes, the side effects can be a hustle. And the dependency on it can sometimes be difficult to accept. It is common for sufferers to stop their meds. When that happens, relapses occur. And the psychosis gets worse as delusions based on one's fantasy or fears makes it difficult to differentiate what is real. So for me, I will just stick to my meds. What if there is a war and I got no access to my meds? Well, that will be a different story.
Is the root cause of my predicament due to cigarettes? Because I started smoking in my teenage years? It could be. Quite likely. And my joy for coffee. Nicotine and caffeine are strong simulants. It could be a case of an overactive mind. Olanzapine is very much like a sleeping pill now. Why fight it when the medication works? This is the easy way. If I do strike the lottery, I might want to try going cold turkey. Maybe a six months hospitalization at IMH so that I can be monitored for my safety. Although my body has adapted to the meds, it can be tricky in 10 to 20 years time. Given the fact that I am getting older and my body will age over time.
Or am I a victim of circumstance? It is all about the behavior. It does not mean that if we are suffering, others must feel the pain too. Being polite and respectful is the way to go. Over time, one will be financially sound. How can I be greater than that of you when I too will perish? Nobody is perfect. Seek the necessary help when in need. Be independent. Over reliance on anything is not healthy. Same goes for the meds. Anything can happen. Life is short. Do not over push it. Death can come anytime. And when it does, we will not even know about it. Remember to reward self and spend quality time with love ones.
Even normal people sometimes hallucinate. A good example is having too much carbon dioxide in the blood stream. It is about the mental finesse. The first occurrence might be disorienting. Over time, we will learn to adapt. As much as it can affect our mindset and be terrifying to some, I find this condition interesting. In medicine, I think psychology is on top of the hierarchy. After many hospitalization at IMH, now I know how to help people who might be suffering from the same symptoms. A lot of nurses here use the soft approach when dealing with patients who are going through tough episodes of psychosis. So next time when you do see a mad man, be gentle cos he is going through a tough time.
Sometimes I wonder why our family abandon us. What are our roots? What are our origins? Perhaps poverty was the best gift they bestowed upon us. We were orphans yet not orphans. I am a dictator by birth. If it was not because of being poor and learning through this condition, I would have gone the other way. Maybe another Hitler. From this, I learn empathy. Violence and aggression is not what one should seek. The wrong types of success create arrogance and pride through an inflated ego. There is nothing grandiose about being poor except for determination to better ourselves. They say honesty is the best policy. And yes it is especially when answering to self.
